Thursday, September 15, 2011

And we're not going to eat our vegetables, either!

"The next season of Glee."

"The next season of Walking Dead. We coulda gotten some good tips from that."

"The last Twilight movies."

"The next Star Trek movie."

"Christmas with my family."

"New Years."

"...prom..."

"The next Comic Con.....This is a horrible game."

"Y-Y-Yeah."

"Hey, wait, don't cry! Listen, uh, come on, we'll talk about something else. Things we WON'T miss. Like the Twilight movies."

"Hey! They're fun."

"OK, OK, well, what won't you miss?"

"Um.....finals. Especially calc."

"And Spanish. No tengo mas grammar worksheets, Senior Gomez!"

"Ha! No more vacuuming."

"No more getting made fun of at school."

"Aw, Glen--"

"Whatever, don't worry about it."

"OK...No more paying for ANYTHING!"

"No more traffic!"

"No more curfew!"

"No more cleaning my room."

"No more worrying about anything because there's already been a zombie apocalypse so everything else can't be that bad."

"See, and now that you've said that, we--"

"LOOK OUT!!"

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

There's no good time for zombies, but first thing in the morning is particularly bad

"GLEN! WAKE UP! WAKE UP AND DRIVE! GLENNNN!!!!"

"Uhnga, wha--"

"DRIVE!!"

"What -- SHIT."

"Go now go now start the car come on gooooo!"

"I'm going! Hang on!"

"Omigod omigod omigod. DRIVE FASTER. Why are they moving so fast you said they wouldn't move fast!!"

"Probably hungry. Not a lot of people left out here, away from the cities. They can't outrun Bessie, though."

"Where are--Bessie?"

"Uh, yeah. That's what we called the van when I was a kid. It kinda stuck."

"....Okaaay."

"I think we lost them. Let's head back to the--SHIT!"

"TURN AROUND TURN AROUND!"

"WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING??"

"Faster faster faster -- why are you slowing down??!!"

"The light's red!"

".......ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!!"

"...ohrightsorry."

"GO!!!"

*

"Sorry I yelled at you."

"No worries. 'Zombie attack' is not the best way to wake up."

"I can't believe you were going to stop for a red light, though."

"Yeah, we don't have to talk about that. At all. Ever again."

"No, I'm definitely not going to mention it again. Or tease you about it. Or bring it up whenever you tell me I'm doing something stupid."

"...Fantastic."

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Screw the dollar section! Go for the gold!

"Yeah, this'll work. At least I can get a t-shirt and some jeans or something."

"You're changing?"

"Well, I'm not going to wear my cheerleading uniform for the rest of forever."

"Oh. Uh, yeah. Of course."

*

"So...do you think this makes us looters?"

"Nah. Pre-apocalypse, it's looting. Afterwards, it's just good survival skills."

"...OK, I can live with that."

"It looks deserted, but keep your eyes open. They won't move quickly, but just start screaming if you see one."

"Oh trust me, screaming won't be a problem. You're taking the gun?"

"Yeah, until we can get some more and teach you how to shoot."

"Probably a good idea."

"Cool. Meet back here in half an hour."

*

"GLEN! GLEN!"

"WHAT? ARE YOU OK???"

"YEAH! THIS IS AWESOME! I LOVE POST-APOCALYPSE SHOPPING! EVERYTHING IS FREEEE!!"

*

"OK, I got some clothes and power bars and bottled water and shampoo and blankets and pillows and sheets and yeah I got some makeup shut up, and nuts and dried fruit and stuff like that and some vodka because I'm pretty sure the whole underage thing doesn't apply now. Phew! You?"

"Uh..."

"Glen? What are these?...Oh my god, you got dolls? Is your entire cart full of DOLLS?"

"They are not DOLLS. They are LIMITED EDITION ACTION FIGURES. And I also got some CDs for the car. And gum."

"........Wow.....You want another 20 minutes?"

"Yeah."

Thursday, September 08, 2011

And if you keep questioning me, I will explain it to you in graphic detail

"How soon are we stopping for supplies?"

"We have plenty of bottled water, granola bars, cupa noodles, a hot plate we can plug into the car, blankets, cards--"

"Glen!"

"Yeah?"

"I need to stop for supplies."

"But I got everything we need. We won't have to stop for weeks!"

"You're traveling with a woman. I need. Supplies."

"What else could you possibly need? Nail polish? Mascara? Laurie, I promise, you look fine. For a post-apocalyptic world, you look fantastic."

"First of all, I look amazing. Second of all, no, jackass, not nail polish. I need......girl stuff."

"I don't think we have enough power for the hot plate and a curling iron or whatever."

"I...You...ARUGH!"

"What?"

"TAMPONS. I need tampons. Of various sizes. And pantie liners. And probably some pads and--"

"Stopitstopitstopit I'm sorry we can stop in 10 minutes!"

"Thank you."

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Your house is kind of on the way to the interstate, if you're willing to go in the wrong direction

"So...why did you come get me?"

"What?"

"Why did you pick me up? Everything had gone to hell, you had your whole plan and everything, so why did you come by my house? You didn't even know I would be there."

"Uh...Well, I was trying to pick up the whole cheerleading team, but you were the only one who wasn't all zombified already."

"Really?"

"...Sure, we'll go with that."

"Hm. OK."

"OK."

"And thanks, by the way. For, you know, not letting me get my face eaten off or anything."

"No problem. I mean, it's a good face. I mean, it's nice. To look at. For a face. I mean, not that it's just any face, 'cause it's your face--"

"Glen."

"Yeah?"

"Stop being weird."

"...OK."

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

And it smells like french fries

"So...when are we going to switch cars?"

"What? We're not."

"...we're not?"

"Why would we?"

"How about because this is a twenty year old minivan that gets terrible mileage and apparently rejected the very notion of shocks."

"We're not dumping the van."

"Glen, come on. We need a better car."

"No."

"But--"

"NO. We are not dumping my mom's van!"

"FINE. I'll just bring it up again when this guzzler runs out of gas 200 yards from here."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Fine."

"Fine."

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Because radios don't work after the apocalypse no not even AM stop touching that dial!

"Laurie, there's not going to be any music."

"You don't know that! What if someone's broadcasting and if we don't hear them? We'll never find them!"

"No one's broadcasting."

"Oh, really? NO ONE? You know ALL the people?"

"The static is driving me CRAZY. Could you PLEASE turn it off??"

"I'M STRANDED IN A STOLEN MINIVAN THAT SMELLS LIKE LAST WEEK'S MCDONALD'S DRIVING DOWN THE HIGHWAY WITH MY MATH TUTOR RUNNING AWAY FROM ZOMBIES I WILL MESS WITH THE RADIO IF I WANT TO."

"......yeahthatsoundslikeareallygoodideasorry."